My Near Death Experience

After a routine surgery, I was bleeding internally and was taken back into the operating room for a second surgery to stop the bleeding. While I was on the operating table, my spirit left my body and I found myself in a corner of the ceiling where I was met by a light being who guided me through the rest of my trip. I looked down on my body and saw the doctor and nurses working on my body. Knowing that I had nothing to fear, my guide and I left the room. We paused in the darkness. It was in the early evening in December. I could see the roof of the hospital building and streets below. I felt the energy of busy people. It was a time of day and season when many people were hurrying to get home to be with the beings that were most important to them. It seemed that everyone on the planet had their part to do to keep this delicately balanced part of the cosmos together.

When I recall that part of my journey, a feeling of calm, loving safety comes over me. At the time I felt that I was being cradled in the arms of the ultimate mother. Within that sense of peace, there was also a tremendous energy like everything was taken care of and I had to do nothing. It was so sweet.  

After we paused above the hospital, my guide seemed to get thier bearings, and we swooshed through the darkness of space in what appeared to be a hallway. It was a passage in which there seemed to be activity in any direction we could have gone. We sped through space faster than the speed of light, in a form of matter which is not understood by us when we are embodied on this planet. The whole experience took just minutes in our time. The hallway was like a transparent tunnel. Although it was transparent to us traveling inside of it, from the outside it seemed to be invisible. It was dark outside of the tunnel; I could see the sparkle of stars as we sped along. In the consciousness of spirit, I felt like every single thing in the universe had a place and made sense.  Even something that I might see as turmoil from an earth being perspective seemed at peace, from this point of view. It appeared that there was energy flowing between all beings on the planet including counties, like webs upon webs that we all work with unconsciously, for the most part, as we live our lives. There was not a judgment on any of this. There was a feeling of joy, as a parent might feel while watching their children happily playing with each other while exploring. 

 There was also another kind of energy, the energy of helpful spirit anxiously waiting for us to request help. The image I get is similar to a feeling of horses in a race wanting to get through the starting gate. Spirit had to wait until help was requested before spirit could come in to help us. Otherwise, they would be interfering, and they knew that would not help us. When they were asked, they would synchronically help change the energy around us so that things, even unknown to us before, could jump in and help us on our path.  

When I met my angel guide, I felt unconditional love and understood that as my true essence.  Because of this knowledge, I believe that everyone is, in their essence, unconditional love.  It was the love that I had yearned for but is rarely found in earthly existence.  I traveled through passageways of light and love with this angel.  We met with a group of light beings that I think of as my heavenly tribe.  I was held in their loving light and was given direction for continuing my life. 

My NDE brought light, unconditional love, the loss of fear of death, and many other positive experiences into my life in ways that I had not experienced them before. Along with those experiences, I also have a deep and painful sense of loss, the experience of my NDE being misunderstood, not having support from many in my community and family. Looking at the aftereffects of NDEs through the lens of trauma makes sense to me.  I think that denying the possible traumatic aftereffects of an NDE can block the ability of some experiencers fully integrate their experience.

My NDE experience was both enlightening and traumatic.  The experience of unconditional love, and being able to look at others through that lens is enlightening, it is truly seeing God/dess in every being.  It is traumatic to be immersed in the experience of divine love and return to try to live that in a world that does not seem to work that way when experiencing the ups and downs of day to day life. 

I returned to my body and recovered from my surgeries, but I was never the same after my NDE.  For many years I tried to fit into my old life, but it was never quite right.  I ignored times was I was treated poorly.  I felt that I knew the truth, that we are all unconditionally loved, and that is what I focused on.  I also did not deal with my earlier trauma.  I didn’t deal with the difficulty of coming back and trying to fit in.  Now, I understand that I was using spiritual bypassing to manage life here and to stay connected to my NDE.  As long as I was in that place, connected to unconditional love, spirit, and the angelic realm, I thought that I was ok.

In reality, it was difficult, and I was not fully engaged in my life.  I was present enough to lovingly raise my children, work, and have a social life.  I certainly loved everyone and didn’t expect anything from them.  One of the things that I was told during my NDE was that my daughters and I had made an agreement to experience this life together and that it was my job to get them to adulthood intact.  I always loved being their mom. Being the best mom I could was always be important to me, and that commitment was amplified after my NDE.  In my other relationships, I had weak boundaries. Because of my early traumas, my boundaries had always been weak.  After the NDE, they were almost nonexistent. This made many things challenging, especially relationships.  I would expect that people would come around if I loved them enough.  Actually, I think that it made many people uncomfortable.

Having an NDE is not something that anyone can prepare for or predict. Luckily, there is a lot of information available now, as well as support groups and organizations, such as IANDS. I have had wonderful therapists since my NDE. Like many people, I found it difficult to find therapists who could relate to my experience and support with the integration of my experience. I feel like this is my calling. I am here to support other NDErs using what I have learned on my own journey toward integration, my MA in transpersonal psychology, becoming a licensed Marriage Family Therapist, and decades of study.